It's easy to be lost sometimes. Buried amidst a world of high speed activity, stress filled lifestyles and the ever climbing necessity of improvement, being lost is sometimes natural.  

We go from one thing to the next.  Thanksgiving to Christmas.  Spring Break to Summer Break.  Empty checking account to pay day.  Starving to bloated.  Happy to sad.  Every day brings a new day and with that new challenges, new changes, and new views of what needs to happen.  

For nearly two years it's been a non-stop whirlwind of change.  Married.  Honeymoon.  Rented a house.  Said rental went into foreclosure.  Auction owners tried to evict us.  I extorted them for payment to break our lease.  We get pregnant.  We buy new house.  Start a new website with John Vaupel & Jay Danek.  (www.trailrunningclub.com.) We have baby.  We prepare for Mogollon Monster 100.  We direct Mogollon Monster 100.  We still have baby.  Still have house.  Still working all the time.  And apparently I still have a blog.  

Yet the Monster has come and gone.  And the void that remains leaves me lost in what to do next.  Immediately I volunteer to motivate and train our hotel staff to run the P.F. Chang's Half Marathon, something I'm passionate about but realistically didn't have time for.  When I should be putting a hold on my ambitions to focus on traditional household husband things like siding, lawn care, organizing shelving, etc. I'm out signing myself up for more time consuming projects.  Yet I can't help myself.  I don't have ADD but I cannot just sit around.  As great as that can feel sometimes.  

I need to be involved in something.  

I need goals.  

I need ambitions.  

To fill a part of that void I signed up for two races the day after the Monster finished.  The Cave Creek Thriller 30K and the Zane Grey 50M a ways off in April 2013.  I haven't run hardly a lick since my son Dean was born but now with the race behind us (for now) I should have more time...  My training "program" the last three months consisted of a 30 mile training run on the Mogollon Monster 100 course on a Saturday.  

Rest for 6 days.  

Repeat on a different section the following week.  I would run 20-30 mile long runs every weekend for 8 of the 10 weekends of August/September in preparing for this race in both training runs and course marking.  Some went well...others were miserable death marches.  

Yet somehow, towards the end of the summer, leading right up to the race I started to feel stronger. Not strong, but stronger.  Last Tuesday I covered 16 miles on the Highline Trail for course marking for the race and on the return trip I pushed the pace, hammered the hills and came back into Washington Park feeling great.  I drove up to the top of the Rim and ran another two miles along the General Crook Trail marking it along the way and somewhere on the way back, as the sun was coming down, still slightly poking through the tall Ponderosa's I felt like I was cruising down the trail on a bike.  Nearly 7,500 feet up, it felt like sea level and I was off.  It was  short distance but a big boost to my confidence.  Running hasn't felt that "easy" in a long time.  

So the race is over.  Planning for next year is ongoing and constant. Ideas flood into my mind in an ever rotating display of improvements and projects.  Never submitting to mediocrity, my aspirations always at least reach for something greater.  That will never change but leaves me pulled in another direction, a constant tidal pull bringing me back out to sea every few hours, every few days.  As welcome a distraction as unwelcome.  Focus on one thing, one specific goal has become very challenging with so many aspects of the race I'd like to change while also focusing on work, family, and training (not in that order necessarily...)

With the race over though it does allows me to focus on running again.  My son is three months old now, bigger and stronger and stroller ready.  We can train together and focus on the Zane Grey 50M in April and get back to running with Jay Danek.  I've missed our reckless descents down Bell Pass at breakneck speeds and the much faster pace Jay trains at than I would running solo.  His big ambitions, goals and training regimin rub off on me and I need to get back to that.

I have big plans for Zane Grey, my favorite race to hate in all of running.  Yet ultimately...my favorite race.  My brother distinctly remembers my putrid attitude following my horrible experience back in 2011 where I suffered through a death march the final 17 miles.  All of which were self imposed through my own stupidity, poor planning and newly found arrogance.

This time around though, I'm smarter, I'll be stronger, and I feel like that's my home turf now.  I've run the Highline so much now in preparation for the Mogollon Monster I know so many of the in's and out's of the trail. I know it's a whore of a trail.  An unrelenting beast waiting to eat up the first runner that succumbs to the heat, elevation, exposure, manzanita, or those few rocks out there.  The last time I was arrogant.  I had been running 50K's like they were 5k's.  The 50M was a near regular event for me, at least once a month.  I had run a wickedly hard and vicious Superstition Wilderness 50M the month before and felt that Zane Grey was just a stop at the ice cream shop in comparison (incidently, during that delusional Superstitions run the first seeds of the idea for the Mogollon Monster we laid).  

I made a cardinal Ultrarunning sin.  I did not respect the distance.  

Zane Grey is one of the toughest 50 milers in the country.  I don't care which one you compare it to.  There may be "harder" ones but there is no debate that this is towards the top of the list.  Nobody leaves the Highline saying, "That was easy."  Nobody.  Most leave in a near crippled state saying, "I'm never coming back."  

Which any Zane Grey veteran likely say's in their head, "See you next year."

I'm not overlooking the distance this year.  I'm focusing on this race and this race only.  I'm not going to go out and do all these fat ass random runs through the desert.  My off course adventures that end up eating up every ounce of my energy.  I'm training for speed, stregnth and endurance.  I'm not just looking for an improvement over 2011.  I want to knock several hours off it.

I want to go sub 10 hours.  

At Zane Grey.  

I know.  Ridiculous right?  

Anyone just ultrastalking me can look at my past results and will be wondering, "How in the world are YOU going to run sub 10 hours at Zane Grey??!"  

It's 2:24 better than I ever have run there.  Ever.  I have zero statistical data to back up that kind of time.  My fastest "official" 50K on there is 4:54.  I barely ran 10 hours on a flat,loop course.  

BUT...I know what I can do.  I know what I'm capable of.  I know I've never even gotten close to pushing boundaries on speed or training.  I've always skirted by with just enough training to keep it from being a full on death march. I ran Cascade Crest 100 last year topping out at a 52 mile week. I get by because I'm a strong hiker and I can run downhill.  I've always been weak on the flats and actual "running", as ironic as it sounds, and that is what has kept me plateaued, just off the cuff and from taking that leap to the next level. 

My problem has always been that I could hinge back on the "I don't really train excuse" for my less than stellar times at races.  It's always been a side joke with my running friends but ultimately it's just an excuse.  I'm capable, I can make the time, I just have to put the work in.  

So I will.

And when it comes down to the line, come April, on the Highline, I'll really see where that takes me.  

And if sub 10 hours doesn't happen at Zane Grey...well look for me at the finish line.  I'll still make it there.  It just might not be as pretty.